Scars
by Adolphaxxx
Summary: Zosia has a secret she doesn't want anyone else or know, but that is killing her slowly from the inside. When someone finds out about it and offers to help, will she let them or will she push them away? WARNINGS INSIDE
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

**Okay, so this is going to be a rather long authors note, but please read it. **

**So first of all, I wasn't sure what to rate this story. There aren't really many Holby City stories about this subject, so I didn't really have much to base it on. So yeah, I apologise if you think I've got the rating wrong. Feel free to let me know. **

**Secondly, this story deals with some difficult subjects, mainly self harm, but quite possibly eating disorders later on. So if you feel you will be triggered by this, please don't read.**

**Also, there is some bad language in here. Sorry if that offends anyone, but consider yourselves warned. XD **

**Last, I apologise if this story seems disjointed in any way. It's really just me trying to gain some measure of control over myself. I've just found the first couple of chapters of this, and after relapsing after almost a month clean, I thought I'd write some more. I've got seven chapters written so far, all of which I'll put up tonight for you. I'll admit, I'm not sure if I'll finish this or not, or even where it's going, but I needed to vent, and I thought I'd share it with you all. Constructive criticism is still more than welcome. Also, I apologise if the characters seem out if character in any way, but once again, I was just venting. **

**Anyway, I think that's enough of me going on. So from hereon in, I'll try to leave you to it. XD **

* * *

Finally she'd managed to get a break. She had been due one two hours ago, but an emergency had come in from the ED, and Sacha had dragged her into theatre to assist. As soon as they were finished, Zosia had run straight into the toilets and locked herself in a cubicle.

She sat on the toilet seat, and pulled a small piece of tissue out of her pocket. Taking deep breaths, she tried to calm herself down. She had about 15 minutes before anyone started to wonder where she was, and that was plenty of time for what she had to do. She started to unroll the tissue, and in the middle, carefully wrapped up was her razor blade. She picked it up, and rolled up her left sleeve. The long sleeves hid dozens of scars, from her elbow down to her wrist. And dotted amongst the old scars, new cuts, bright red against her pale skin. Zosia placed the blade against her arm, and pulled it sharply towards her. As the blade sliced through her skin, she could feel herself start to relax. In the moment of serenity that followed, she forgot about everything that had happened that day. Guy trying once again to justify what happened with her mother, Sacha forcing her into theatre, Serena having a go because she forgot to update a drugs chart.

Just thinking about her day made Zosia feel so much worse, and each new cut got progressively deeper.

"Shit!" Zosia whispered to herself as she clamped a hand over the last, and deepest, cut she made. There were bandages in her locker, but she could hardly go back onto the ward like this. What if someone noticed?

After a few minutes, Zosia decided she would have to risk it. She pulled a large pile of toilet roll off the holder, pressed it to her arm and the rolled down her sleeve. Standing up and taking yet another deep breath, Zosia walked out of the cubicle and onto the ward.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

Zosia searched through her locker until she found a bandage. She stuffed it in her pocket and, after weighing up her options, she ran to the on call room and locked the door. Zosia cleaned up her arm and bandaged it, hoping she wasn't going to need stitches. She took some deep breaths to try and calm herself, then went back onto the ward.

"Ah, Dr March, how good of you to grace us with your presence." Zosia sighed and turned to see Serena walking towards her.

"I'm sorry Ms Campbell, I was just..." The consultant cut her off.

"It doesn't matter. Bed 3, Dr Copeland will fill you in. Go on!" Zosia turned and went to find Dom, considering how many pointless and mind numbing tasks Serena could make her do for annoying her twice in one shift. She looked at the clock, 3 hours of her shift still left. Great, she thought, 3 hours of bloods and bedpans.

"Unfortunately Mr Davies, it looks like appendicitis. We'll put you on strong antibiotics tonight, and we'll review you again tomorrow. On a better point, it look like we'll be able to avoid surgery. I'll ask one of our junior doctors to come and answer any questions you may have." Serena smiled and turned around.

"Dr March, over here please." Serena was still a little annoyed with the F1. She'd messed up several drug charts earlier in the day, and then she'd disappeared off the ward. But as Zosia walked over, Serena noticed something on her arm. "Actually, Dr March, will you go and wait in my office please. Dr Digby, will you come and answer Mr Davies' questions."

Zosia walked into the consultants office and closed the door. What had she done now? She jumped as the door swung inwards and Serena walked in. She shut the door gently and sat down at her desk.

"Dr March, would you mind explaining why your arm is covered in blood?"


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

Zosia started to panic. She looked down at her arm and, sure enough, blood had started to seep through her top. She looked up to see Serena staring at her. "I, umm... It was from before... I was changing a patients dressing and, umm, well, I..." Zosia stumbled over her words.

Serena was confused. She had expected Zosia to get worked up, to go on about how it was her fault for giving her a difficult patient like she normally did. But this wasn't what Zosia was normally like. She seemed nervous, scared even. Serena couldn't work out why. She looked back at Zosia's arm, trying to work out where the blood could have come from. But then she realised something. The dark patch was bigger now than it was before.

Zosia noticed Serena's brow furrow in concern. She followed her line of sight, and noticed the consultant was staring at her arm. Zosia quickly hid it behind her. She took a deep breath and tried to convince Serena there was nothing wrong. "I was trying to cannulate a patient before, but she moved and the needle slipped. I didn't notice that I'd got covered in blood. I'll go and change, if that's okay?"

For a few seconds, Serena believed the F1. But then she remembered something. "That's interesting. Before, you said that you were changing a patients dressing, but just then, you said you were putting in a cannula." She watched Zosia's eyes widen, and continued before she could say anything. "And, if I'm honest, I'm not sure that I believe either. There's more blood there now than there was before." She paused as she saw the young doctor tense, and her breathing become more rapid. She was panicking, that much was obvious. Serena tried to look more friendly, and her voice softened as she began speaking again. "Zosia, why don't you sit down and explain?"

"I, umm, I need to go. Dom wanted my help, and he's going to wonder where I've got to." And with that, the now shaking Dr March hurried out of the office, slamming the door behind her. Serena leant on the desk, head in hands, wondering what she should do.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

As soon as she got out of the office, Zosia ran to her locker and pulled out a new top and her small first aid kit. Then she locked herself in a cubicle in the toilets. She rolled up the sleeves of her now ruined top, and slowly started unwrapping the bandage. She winced as the air hit the cuts. A couple were fine, but the rest were oozing blood, one quite a lot. She started to look through the first aid kit. Stitches were what she needed, but she couldn't do them with just one hand. Instead, she dug out some paper stitches. They weren't perfect, but they'd do. Ripping off some toilet paper, she started to clean up the cuts again. She was about to start placing paper stitches when she heard someone open the door to the toilets. "Zosia, are you in here?"

Serena was worried. She decided she had to speak to Zosia again, so she went onto the ward to try and find Dr Copeland, that was who Zosia had said she was going to meet. But when Serena spoke to him, he said that he hadn't seen Zosia. So Serena went to look for her. She had tried the locker room, the staff room and the on call room, but no luck. So, after a bit of thought, she started on the toilets.

* * *

**Sorry, that was a tiny chapter! The next ones are longer though. **


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

Zosia quickly ran through her options. One, she could sit and ignore Serena. She doubted that would work, Serena was very stubborn. Two, she could finish off patching up her arm and then go and face her. That was also unlikely to work, because it would take a while, and Serena would get suspicious. Three, quickly change her top, shove her first aid kit back in her pocket and then pretend nothing was wrong. No, that would still take too long. Four...

"Zosia, I know that's you. Why don't you come out and talk to me?" Shit, Zosia thought. Serena sounded worried. There was no way she would leave her alone over this. She took a deep breath before replying, hoping her voice would stay strong. "I'm fine Serena. I'll be back on the ward in a minute."

Serena held back a sigh. She knew that Zosia was lying, she just didn't know why. But rather than being angry about being lied to, she was worried. "Zosia, I want to talk to you, will you come out please?"

Whilst Serena was talking, Zosia had put an elasticated bandage round her arm to try and stop the bleeding (it was quicker than putting on a normal bandage, but not as effective), and changed her top. She gathered up all her first aid things and put them in her pockets, then steeled herself to open the door.

* * *

**Okay, so I may have told you a slight lie about this chapter being longer. please accept thees cyber cookies as an apology. XD **


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

Serena was getting rather worried about Zosia as she hadn't said anything for a while. But before she could voice her concerns, she heard the cubicle door open and watched as Zosia walked out as if nothing had happened. Before Serena could talk to her, Zosia walked straight past her and out onto the ward.

Zosia all but ran to her locker. She wanted to get rid of her first aid kit and her bloody top before she dealt with Serena. She finally got to her locker, practically slamming the door of the changing room shut behind her. She wrenched open her locker and deposited her top and the contents of her pockets in it, swinging it shut just as Serena walked through the door.

Serena closed the door gently behind her. She considered locking it, so that Zosia had to talk to her, but she didn't want the young doctor to feel trapped. She heard a bang as Zosia's locker closed. "Dr March, go you think you could tell me why it was necessary for you to run through the ward instead of just answering my questions? I don't know if you're aware, but it isn't easy running after someone whilst you're wearing heels like these."

"I didn't ask you to follow me," Zosia mumbled as she sat down on a bench. Serena sighed and went to sit next to her. "I know, but I'm worried about you Zosia, I want to help."

Zosia smirked and huffed out a small, sarcastic laugh. "I've heard that enough times to know that it isn't true." She looked down at the floor, missing the sad shake of Serena's head at her words. "Trust me, Zosia, I want to help you. And I will, no matter what." Serena reached out and laid a hand on Zosia's arm in what was supposed to be a comforting gesture. However, she had managed to place it on top of one of the deeper cuts. Zosia winced, then quickly pulled her arm away and held it against her body.

Serena wasn't sure what had happened at first, but then she remembered how the large patch of blood on Zosia's arm seemed to be growing earlier. She looked down at her hand to see her fingers coated in a thin later of blood. She drew in a sharp breath. "Zosia, you're bleeding."


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

**Okay guys, so this is probably going to be the last chapter of the night (depending on if I can sleep or not). So I hope you're liking the story so far. As I said at the beginning, I may or may not continue with this story. Also, I apologise for any mistakes in this chapter. It's 2:45 in the morning now, and it was probably 2:30 when I finished this chapter, so my head isn't quite working. Although, I think I'll try, I quite like where it's going. Anyway, enough of me, here's the next chapter. **

* * *

Serena watched Zosia's eyes widen, but at what, Serena didn't know. It could have been at the fact she was bleeding, or the fact that Serena knew about it. "Zosia, please. I want to help. Let me see what you've done."

Zosia was terrified. Serena wasn't going to let this go. As soon as she saw, she would kick Zosia off the ward for sure. Then she'd fail this rotation, and have to take the whole year again. But there was a small voice in the back of Zosia's head saying that maybe Serena would help. Maybe she could help to stop all this pain. So against her better judgement, she pulled her arm away from her body, and lay it across her knees.

Serena was somewhat shocked by Zosia's willingness to let her help, busy she wasn't going to say anything, in fear of scaring her off. She moved very slowly, so as not to take the young woman by surprise. Zosia had her arm lay across her knees, with her forearm pointing up. Serena could see a dark red patch forming, a vivid contrast against the pale blue top. She reached out and picked up Zosia's arm, feeling her tense at the contact. She rolled up her sleeve to reveal a white bandage covering most of her forearm. As she made to remove the bandage, she felt Zosia's breathing speed up, and she felt her arm start to shake. Serena murmured quiet words of comfort to calm her down. She gently pulled the bandage over Zosia's forearm and off her hand, setting it down next to her on the bench. She looked at Zosia's arm, and had to stifle a gasp as she saw angry red gashes, some still filled with small lakes of crimson. As she looked further at Zosia's arm, she could see the rest of her pale forearm was covered in long scars, all at varying stages of healing. She looked up at the young woman, seeing her in a whole different light. "Why, Zosia?"


End file.
